Today I lost my headphones… I like over-analyzing things. I like finding meaning in things to satisfy my desire of improving from every experience. I haven’t been having the best week. I’ve been having problems with one of my friends and it doesn’t make me feel good, I don’t like the dynamic I have with certain classmates. Today felt so bad, I felt uncomfortable all day. I lost my headphones in the morning at school and spent the rest of the day looking for them. I also had interactions with others that made me think about myself.

One of my friends, I’ll call her… Mary. We’re friends, but she likes arguing. I also like to argue, but lately it’s been exhausting me. We had a discussion that really didn’t go well, and I got fed up with it and just wanted to be done with it. She clearly wasn’t done, but I was at the end of that argument. It was the type of argument over something that didn’t matter at all but you get so involved that there is no way you can be wrong. The sensible thing to do would be to let her win, but I have trouble with that. Something about the surrendering of it, the emasculation, the submission, it makes me uneasy. We both walked away unhappy and I’ve never been good at letting things go. Not that I was still invested in the argument, but I didn’t like the vibe that she still wanted to argue. Today, we had a round table discussion, I love these opportunities of self reflection, and as always we found something that we disagreed on. I made a few mistakes in this, I’m not talking about, “debate mistakes” but more personal mistakes. I used a joke of, “I want to kill myself” as a way to win an argument and I didn’t feel right about it. Not only was it inappropriate for the environment, but it was a low blow, unfair. I also said things that I just didn’t like.

I then lost my headphones, and even though it stressed me out to no end today, there is some fun thoughts that come from it. Ignoring the fact that I lost something useful, I had interactions with people that showed clarified some problems that people have had with me. I am an emotional person, I am very vibrant and expressive with whatever emotion I’m feeling. When I am very excited, I talk very loudly. I yell, and I’ve gotten reactions from it before, I never realized why they got mad or what annoyed them. Today, I was very excited and agitated from running around the school going to different classes asking if anyone saw my headphones. When I passed my friends, they asked if I found my headphones yet. I would yell back in a seemingly angry way (this is just my way of saying “I care deeply about this and I am very invested”) that I haven’t found it. The people that know me weren’t surprised by my response, they would say something like, “Calm down” or, “that’s too bad”. Then an 11th grader that doesn’t know me at all asked me as I passed her if I found my headphones. I wasn’t really thinking and I just replied the same way I answered my friends. Her reaction stood out to me, as I had basically yelled, I can’t remember exactly what she said but she thought that I was mad at her. She thought that I was in a bad mood and angry that she asked. I didn’t understand why she received that so differently than my friends. I think I get it now, the answer she was expecting was a calm, “oh no I haven’t found it” followed with a laugh. She wasn’t expecting so much emotion.

This revelation, it feels so profound for some reason. My emotions are very raw, extreme really. I think that it’s a consequence of feeling like I can’t express my emotions, so they came out as very concentrated feelings. Dialing down my emotion level sounds like a great idea. There are times where raw emotion is good, but not constantly. I don’t think I would’ve thought of this without loosing my headphones. I don’t think it’s an equal trade, I would prefer to have my headphones, but at least I didn’t come away empty handed. I also feel better about the round table discussion that will happen tomorrow.

I don’t really know what conclusion to make from this. This is basically an electronic diary for me, so it is really just my current thoughts.

Stay for tea

I’m no one important, definitely someone you will never meet. However, I believe that everyone has a right for their story to be put out into the world. It doesn’t mean that anyone will read or hear their story, but the idea of casting the line excites me. I am cursed with “toomuchwriting-itus”, so a complaint I hear often is that my text messages are too long. Naturally, a blog, which puts my story out there and allows me to write as much I want is a great idea on paper. I mean, no offense to bloggers, but I get put off when I hear someone say, “Yeah I have a blog.” I’ll keep details about myself minimal, I won’t any real names, I just want to write.

I guess I should introduce myself now… Hi! My name is André (it’s a french name). I’m a 17 year old guy with too much free time on his hands and not enough time in the day. I don’t have the best social skills and I like to complain. I live in Canada, my favorite color is blue and BROCKHAMPTON is my life. Mental health is incredibly important for me and will be the topic of many posts. I was home-schooled and only attended a proper school starting in the eighth grade. My time at school has been very interesting, unique, fun and traumatic. I love talking and everything about it. I love talking to others, I love listening to people talk, I love the feeling I get from conversations, I love learning about others, I love interacting with people and I love hugs. I really like hugs. I don’t think that people hug enough, I wish hugging was a more acceptable sign of affection. I am a formerly addicted gamer and trying my best to better my health. Music is very important to me, and I will be giving suggestions and writing reviews for my own pleasure.

Will anyone read this? Probably not, I don’t really care. Of course I want people to read, I won’t lie about that. Why else would I make it. What I mean is that this blog will continue even if no one reads it. It’s just a great way for me to write my thoughts. This blog is for my own pleasure, and I would be really happy if others enjoyed it too. Also I using my own “graphic design” art (for the most part) so sorry if it’s horrible

I don’t know if there will be a comment section or anything similar to that (it’s literally my first 10 minutes on this website at the time of writing this) but please comment whatever you want. I am a notification whore (can I use that word?) and I look for any opportunity to get more notifications. I also want to hear other people’s stories, life is complicated and so much bigger than I can even imagine.

Have a good day guys, I’m excited to share my problems with you.